Real Couples // A Genderqueer Vineyard Wedding: Liz + Braz
/This couple represents both traditional aspects of a wedding—the costumes, setting, rites, and rituals—as well as a genderqueer, non-binary perspective just by being who they are. As with any wedding, there was a beautiful balance of celebrating the couple's community of family and friends and officially uniting their relationship to create their own family; but they don't fit into the "typical" gender, or wedding, box that we tend to see represented.
As a vendor for their wedding, I asked Braz for their specific pronoun preference, and I could see that this was a very rich topic that doesn't get covered enough, particularly in the wedding world! Braz responded:
"Thanks for asking. It is always appreciated and, in my opinion, always best to just ask upfront {regarding pronoun/gender terminology preference]...I understand that many people are unfamiliar with the nuances of gender and identity, which is understandable to an extent, but...[with] the growing industry of same-sex weddings, it is really important that [vendors] educate themselves and be mindful of their assumptions, words, etc."
It was often a challenge for them to negotiate these issues of gender expectations while navigating the wedding world and trying to plan a wedding that felt authentic and unique to the two of them.
"Many of the venues we looked at and various potential vendors we talked to [made me feel uncomfortable]...I really appreciate your asking these questions and wish there could be a larger conversation about it, since [it was] something that really bothered me and affected our whole wedding process/experience...Hopefully the wedding industry will begin to realize that 'queer friendly' is something that many of us very, very much value and that affects our consumer choices, and more importantly that 'queer friendly' is not the same thing as merely having a picture of two gay people on a website or brochure in order to garner our business..."
This really strikes home for me, as recently I've been thinking of ways to incorporate inclusion, radicalness, and deeper connection into my business mission statement. To get the best pictures, and provide the best experience, I feel it's important for me to be authentic, fully present, and supportive of/connected to someone's identity and personality. I can't imagine how hard it must be for some of my queer clients to be vulnerable and open themselves and their relationships to possible criticism, exclusion, or just confusion, regarding gender role assumptions or heteronormative expectations. Braz's points to me is that no one should have to feel uncomfortable and outside of a range of 'normal' in order to celebrate their (legal!!!) marriage and loving relationship, especially when they are paying a lot for their dream wedding! I want to help figure out what I can all do to take "queer friendly" to the next level of support for all of my clients. Even if it's not an easily-identifiable queer wedding, I want everyone to feel represented and celebrated for their uniqueness and beauty, no matter what! And to my fellow vendors: I know it will serve all of us to have this conversation move forward fiercely.
Back to Braz: "To answer your wonderful questions: I prefer 'they' or 'Braz.'...I would say it was a queer wedding because we are queer, although I would also acknowledge that it was a pretty traditional/normative wedding as far as 'queer weddings' go...I think it's important for queer people to know that they have options. They can have the kind of traditional wedding they've seen in the movies and magazines their entire lives or they can do something totally different that's whatever the hell they want it to be. I would have loved to 'queer' up our traditional wedding a bit more, but I had a hard time finding ideas. I tried to mix it up where I could...through little things, such as having folks donate to our favorite nonprofits instead of the traditional gift registry; having the string quartet play a classical rendition of Outkast/Beyonce for my procession down the aisle; making my broomsmen go for vintage/non-matching/hodgepodge/gender-nonconforming attire; having an officiant and DJ and others involved who were also queer, etc.”
Words and photos by Jessamyn Harris
Vendors
Photographer: Jessamyn Harris
Planning: Pilar of Flutter Events (formerly at So Eventful)
Catering: Dovetail (now Gather)
Venue: Quivira Vineyards
Florals: Dragonfly
Cupcakes: Angel Cakes
Hair and Makeup: Brush Salon
Oysters at Cocktail Hour: Oyster Girls
Meet Jessamyn Harris: I'm a wedding (and portrait, stock, commercial, editorial...) photographer born and raised in Wine Country, in the Bay Area. My mission is to make each subject I photograph feel seen: honored, respected, confident, and even loved. I celebrate couples of any and all background, color, class, gender identity, and religion.
